Dear Ex...

I could still remember that moment I turned my back on you one Saturday night after our terrible fight, The last thing you said was “its finally time to say goodbye…” It was painful, and I did nothing but walk away as tears falling so fast that I couldn't hardly breathe… My heart beat so fast that I could feel it as I catch my breath. That describe how painful it is—my first heartbreak.

From then on I promised to myself that despite how difficult, despite how much it hurts, despite how hard to let go, I should. On the process of moving on, instilling into myself that now I cant see him anymore, there is no one to hold my hand when I feel alone, no one to make me feel loved, no one will listens to my non stop dramas—feeling all alone.

The moment I recall all those worst experiences with you, i feel sorry for myself because I let it pass, i carry the burden that until now you never know, I knew… I kept those for days, months, years that tore me into a gazillions of pieces, that changed the beliefs that I have, that hinders me to dream again. There I question myself, do real men exist? Someone who have one word, Someone I could trust without second thought, Someone that stick-to-one girlfriend at a time.—it shattered me.

Those experiences brings the hell out of me. I refused to listen. I started to tell lies. I started to cheat. I became impulsive. I learn to fight back. I became a person that even in dreams I never thought I could become.the person that you made me… The same person I learn to hate for quite sometime.

The moment I found out that you reconcile with your ex-girlfriend , it crashed me more, you taught me how to take revenge. Cruel as they say but I act like I don’t care at all. Every time you have those sweet conversations before we sleep at night, it kills me seeing how stupid you become, it kills me knowing that I’m hoping for the impossible to happen—hey I’m your ex-girlfriend for pity sake. Did your mom teach you some manners?’

I was aware with the set-up. I was aware with the unfaithfulness. I was aware with the girls you go out with even if you have girlfriend. I dont know if I was dumb or I was blind to see that you were happy with someone else because when your with me all I can see is your smile, all I can hear is your laugh and all I can feel is your love.—i was miserable.

Who wants to be the second priority? who wants to be an option? Who wants to be the mistress? I tell that to myself hundreds of times with thousands of explainations. Until i decided to STOP!

Stoping was never that easy, i need to push myself to work, to change, to move to a new environment. I could compare it to people who are suffering from the effects of withdrawal from alcohol toxicity or to people who are grieving from death of a love one. I was stuck bigtime! I was hurt bigtime!—but I learn how to let go. 

Years have passed, we've gone through a lot without each other, we've had our own separate lives, heard a lot from you through our common friends and honestly it made me happy knowing you found someone whom you decided to spend the rest of your life with—he just tied the knot.

Now its been a while, your 3 years marriage with the girl whom you want to spend the rest of you life with that I thought was perfect and with a little angel that gone through a lot of battle just to be with you, comes to test. I really dont know if there is something wrong with the relationship that you have for you to change or your just such an idiot that from then on you havent change at all… Once a playboy always a playboy? Once a cheater always a cheater?

Come to think, why do our ex’s come back anyway? if you ask me, maybe they come back to see how miserable your life become when they left you or maybe they wanted to see if your have moved on happily and make your life miserable again…