Grown Ups

You changed and so have I

We can’t get along anymore, no matter how hard we try.

I didn't see it coming this soon, but really, I already knew

That this dreaded day would come, I have to say goodbye to you.

Friendship, yes there was a time we shared it

There was a time we said “Hello” and “farewell” whenever we meet.

You knew how to make me feel better

And I know where to find you so we could waste time together.

There was a time when we were inseparable

But now, seeing us in the same room’s a miracle.

It isn't a fight, we're just drifting apart

New hobbies, new experiences, new people getting in our heart.

But now we’ve grown up, and we forgot about best friends forever,

We’ve outgrown our friendship, and outgrown each other.

The final Straw...

I love another and I swear I love him true.

I swear I'm done with this, that I'm no longer in love with you.

You asked if it's really too late,

And gave that smile I'd love to hate.

You took my hand with my heart

And you told me we shouldn't be apart.

I know you oh too well

It was not very hard to tell

That that's the same old speech, the same old lies.

I'm no longer that same old fool, but you still got me hypnotized.

I don't know how to end this right, maybe there's no right way.

But even if this ends today, it'll never change the love I had for you yesterday.

Irrational thoughts at night…

You. You. Always you. Sometimes, I forget what it is like to be Me. To be Me without You. I’m dysfunctional, nostalgic, and depressed. Other times, vindictive, furious and intense. But either way, bottom line is, with or without You, I feel like I am at a loss. You. I didn’t want another You, another person to chew and chuck off a part of me. Another scar, another painful memory. Another painful face I long to see; another soul I’d hate to hate.

Days are easy, I always wake up stronger than the day before. They have gone even easier when I fell into the addiction of anger, and when I learned to love the taste of the delightful pain which I inflict upon those that hurt me. Those that in the past, used to be my inspiration for passages like this one. But those are only the days.

Everything is not always okay when nights come. Nights where I am cold and alone, nights that make me forget what ME meant without YOU. At nights I am vulnerable. I feel searing pain. Scorching pain from within my heart. A heart that I wish didn’t beat for You. A heart that I wish would turn into diamond so that the scars will no longer open and bleed me out.

I hate nights because I don’t know what to do or how I’d feel. There are nights when I love you. Nights that I’m mad at you. Some nights that I want to hear your voice and hold you. Other nights I just think of you and smile. Tonight is one of the nights that I wish everything was back to the way it was in the beginning. Before I was this psychotic bitch who still sometimes misses US. A LOT.

US. US. That’s You and Me, together. It’s the first time it ever felt this nice to hear the word -- maybe because it is the first time I have ever used this word. US. It’s like falling into a blissful trance. In my whole life, this is the time US sounded most beautiful to me, hypnotic, comforting, but also melancholic. And US that existed but somehow faded, not in time, but because of change. Not through trials or tragedies, it's change.

Change. Metamorphosis and Psychosis. Loss and Obsession.  Fun and Pain. Future and Past. These are You and Me in the Present. Not US. It's the first time I found someone who I felt was mine. But no more. There's no more us, nor we nor you and me. Only an unreachable You and the Old new Me.

i apologize...

I am a sinner…

I apologize…

I apologized for all the wrongs I have beckoned

And all the words I cut through your heart

For every mistake I said sorry...

But sorry was never enough

You stormed out my life slammed the door behind you

Lost me whenever I try to follow

Push me when I get too close

It was a good bye I didn’t want to accept

You are gone, and now comes another

The rope of ties has tethered itself once again

My heart’s not mine, and I have given it up to another

The same old sharp words I throw and the same old mistakes

I am a sinner

But this time I can’t say sorry

I no longer am...

Closure!

This is what I wanted to say, but never had the courage to tell you. This is what I wanted to ask, but I was just too afraid to know the truth. This is what I felt, but I know you-- of all the people, wouldn't care.

Ours wasn't the most exciting of love stories, because we met in the most unexciting way; through chat and text. It was summer and as summer loves come and go; you came into my life showering the darkest corners of it with the brightest of lights. That's how I felt when I was with you; I felt safe, loved and even a little high.

You knew, I loved writing because for me, writing is closer to thinking and for more than a year now, I have been drowning in my thoughts. But, recently, you have once again starred in my mind. I keep on blocking out all the memories of you and me, but I guess, I can never really forget you. I can only remember the most opulent days of both of our lives together.

What you don't know is that I really, really-- seriously, loved you. I had this illusion that you were the one, star-crossed love of my life. Can you believe that? I guess, I can't. I was never really that one person to fall in love that way. But, you were different. Ours was a love story waiting to break apart. I knew that from the start, but I chose to believe that no matter what happens, you loving me and I loving you was enough.

I still clearly remember the day when you told me that you were breaking up with me. It was a days after that trial and error kind of relationship that we both agreed. I was the one to call you and decided to clear things up then you just told me that no label would be better for the both of us. You either have the feeling of you didn't and I guess, you felt that you don't love me anymore and I'm thinking that your just pressured of a lot of stuffs, so I agreed right away without letting you explain the reason why neither me asking for some rationale.

I am still so confused on why you broke up with me. Is it the distance? Or did you find someone better there? I need answers and I'm afraid to know the truth. I don't want to live a life filled with insecurities and fears. Whatever your reasons are I'm ready to accept it. In fact since the relationship has ended I accepted it. I need answers. I want closure. I need closure.