Irrational thoughts at night…

You. You. Always you. Sometimes, I forget what it is like to be Me. To be Me without You. I’m dysfunctional, nostalgic, and depressed. Other times, vindictive, furious and intense. But either way, bottom line is, with or without You, I feel like I am at a loss. You. I didn’t want another You, another person to chew and chuck off a part of me. Another scar, another painful memory. Another painful face I long to see; another soul I’d hate to hate.

Days are easy, I always wake up stronger than the day before. They have gone even easier when I fell into the addiction of anger, and when I learned to love the taste of the delightful pain which I inflict upon those that hurt me. Those that in the past, used to be my inspiration for passages like this one. But those are only the days.

Everything is not always okay when nights come. Nights where I am cold and alone, nights that make me forget what ME meant without YOU. At nights I am vulnerable. I feel searing pain. Scorching pain from within my heart. A heart that I wish didn’t beat for You. A heart that I wish would turn into diamond so that the scars will no longer open and bleed me out.

I hate nights because I don’t know what to do or how I’d feel. There are nights when I love you. Nights that I’m mad at you. Some nights that I want to hear your voice and hold you. Other nights I just think of you and smile. Tonight is one of the nights that I wish everything was back to the way it was in the beginning. Before I was this psychotic bitch who still sometimes misses US. A LOT.

US. US. That’s You and Me, together. It’s the first time it ever felt this nice to hear the word -- maybe because it is the first time I have ever used this word. US. It’s like falling into a blissful trance. In my whole life, this is the time US sounded most beautiful to me, hypnotic, comforting, but also melancholic. And US that existed but somehow faded, not in time, but because of change. Not through trials or tragedies, it's change.

Change. Metamorphosis and Psychosis. Loss and Obsession.  Fun and Pain. Future and Past. These are You and Me in the Present. Not US. It's the first time I found someone who I felt was mine. But no more. There's no more us, nor we nor you and me. Only an unreachable You and the Old new Me.